A Story of Open Adoption
Ten years ago Mary and Amy did not know each other.  They lived in different cities, had different lifestyles…until both their doors opened to adoption.

Amy was an 18-year-old high school senior when she found out she was pregnant.  With graduation looming and college plans set, Amy knew that she wasn't ready to raise a child.  With her mother's guidance, Amy contacted Nebraska Children's Home Society about adoption. 

"I always had my mom's support from the beginning," Amy said.

The support and guidance was easy for Amy's mother, Katherine, to provide.  Thirty three years ago, she also chose adoption for her son.

"I just didn't want Amy to go through the pain that I went through," Katherine said.  "I was distraught, but we talked about adoption and we called Nebraska Children's Home."

Both mother and daughter made a difficult and courageous decision.  Both went through the grieving process, and both loved their sons very much.  However, adoption meant two completely different experiences for these two birth mothers…one of secrecy and shame and another of openness and love.

"When I placed my son in an adoptive home, my mother sent me away and I stayed with the family and none of my siblings and family knew," Katherine said.  "After I placed, I never heard another word about it."  "And that was the most painful thing…not knowing what had happened to him," she said. 

Unlike the secret life her mother led, Amy was able to be open about her adoption.

"My mom was a huge support," Amy said.  "We didn’t talk about it all the time, but it wasn't 'hush hush.’"  "We were very open about it," Amy said. 

“When I was pregnant with my son it was a secret and I never wanted Amy to feel that way," Katherine said.  "I didn't have any opportunities or any of the education like Amy received."

The support Amy received not only came from her mother, but also through Sheri Jelinek, a NCHS caseworker.  Sheri explained to Amy how the lifelong adoption process worked for both her and her son.

The special couple that Amy chose to parent her child was Mary and her husband, Steve.  The couple had started the adoption process at Nebraska Children's Home a year earlier.  Married for almost seven years, Mary and Steve always wanted children. 

"I think Sheri told us in late September that there was a birth mother that had chosen us," said Mary.  "It was pretty much pins and needles."

On November 24, 1993 Derek was born and Mary and Steve came to the hospital to receive their son. 

Not only did they receive Derek that day, but also a new family. 

Mary, Steve, and Amy all decided to have an open relationship with Derek's adoption.  For the first two years, this meant exchanging letters and photos through NCHS.  When Derek turned two, Amy wanted to meet him.

"When we started the whole adoption process; I didn't want to have an open adoption," Amy said.

"I was fine with pictures and letters, but when he was two I decided I wanted to see him.  And in my mind I just wanted to see him once," Amy said.

“I wanted to meet Amy,” Mary said.  “Those first two years she wrote letters, but it was so much better to be able to see her.”

It was an emotional day for Amy, Mary, and Steve when they met for the first time. 

“I think I was crying the whole day,” Amy said. 

Mary and Steve and Amy's family visited every six to eight months after the initial meeting.  Restaurants and the zoo were frequent reunion locations, but eventually the families became comfortable meeting in each other's homes.  This was the time when the open relationship turned into a friendship between Amy and Mary. 

"The relationship between Amy and I developed even apart from Derek where we could talk as girlfriends," Mary said.

"Mary and I were more friends and then it was more casual like we were cousins," Amy said.

The open and healthy relationship that Amy and Steve and Mary shared also influenced the adoption process with Derek's brother, Marcus, who was adopted when Derek was four.

"We also have an open relationship with Marcus's birth mother and have appreciated both families," Mary said.

Marcus and Derek both have open relationships with their birth mothers and are still able to be a part of their families in a special way.  Marcus was in his birth mother’s wedding a few years ago and Derek was even a junior groomsman in Amy's wedding this past May.  In addition, the boys know their birth mothers’ children.  Jonas is Amy and her husband’s son.  He is two years old. 

“For Derek and Marcus, wouldn’t it be sad if they had to wait until they were older to see Jonas and other members of Amy and Katherine’s family?” Mary asked.

Steve and Mary truly understand what open adoption is all about and how important it is for their two sons.

Unfortunately, birth mothers were not always treated the same as they are today.  Adoption has changed considerably in the last 33 years, as we see through Katherine’s experiences.    

"What we put women through just amazes me," Katherine said.  "They were shunted off with the whole stigma attached to it." 

She continued, "And then you go off into the woods and place this baby in an adoptive home and pretend it never happened.  That's not true, and you don't erase it.  Just because people don't talk about it doesn't mean you don't remember it."

From these different mother/daughter perspectives, the advantages of open adoption are clear. 

"To be open to some degree has got to be better for the child in the long run," Katherine said.

"Besides the obvious benefits of knowing Amy and Katherine and their families, Derek can look at the different physical characteristics of their family and see himself and his personality…he talks constantly like Amy," Mary said.

"We're all intertwined and interconnected in ways we never ever dreamed would happen," Katherine added.